Yesterday I cried, I cried a lot, big ugly tears, tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of loss, tears of regret. I cried them all, (and now as I put this on paper, I cry and cry and cry….).
I am always so focused on what I am grateful for when it comes to Rob that moments like that sneak up on me, like a frigging throat punch, out of nowhere. It was Monday evening, I was tired, I had had a long day, I had listened to others share their own grief, and then…..there I was in the kitchen in a full-blown sob. Well, maybe it did not come out of nowhere, the last few weeks I have spent a lot of my time focused on theGrief22 and the upcoming Without You event, both of which are centered, for me, around Rob. Around, the loss of Rob…
It occurred to me that because of the way I share Robbie and speak or write that it probably looks like I don’t grieve or experience emotions. I can absolutely promise you that I do, I have cried in my car, in bed, outside, inside, in my office, in the shower and so many other places. I have cried at the entrance to a motocross track and at the gate drop of a 250B moto…. because those are all places where I am struck by emotion, struck by loss, grief at its absolute finest. Honestly, fuck you grief! I would like my child back, I would like to watch him grow into a man. I would like to be able to love him and squeeze him at any moment. The awful reality is that I cannot. With this being my reality, I choose to allow all of the feelings and emotions and breakdowns and give them time and space. I surely do not want to, but what is the alternative? I don’t have an answer to that……
I cry when I see happy things that remind me of just how much love and joy Rob brought us. I cry when I think about things that he will miss out on, and if I am completely honest things that I will miss out on, things his brother and Ky will miss out on, and everyone else whose life he touched will miss out on. Things like his high school graduation, college or whatever he chose to pursue, him getting married and having children - who of course, would have gone on to race motocross. Or the little things, like a game of slip n slide kickball on the fourth of July. Anything that involved Rob involved love and laughter and a great time!
I cry when I am with those I am closest to, I cry when I am just with my husband, thankfully he just senses when I am being hit by a wave of grief or loss or heartache. I cry when I am walking in the woods or sitting outside on a nice day, I cry when I am alone. I cry and yell and scream far more often than it would ever appear, but I cry.
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