Resolutions? No. Thank. You.

It’s 2021 who needs resolutions? We survived 2020 and that was a feat! If that hasn’t convinced you to change your mind set to be grateful and positive I am not sure what will! I’m not sure what my major intentions are this year. I know that I will continue to strive to be positive and flow with whatever life throws at me (let me be honest learning “flow” has been a life long journey but I’ve got that shit figured out, finally). I will continue to plan a wedding that is perfect for us. I will remember to be grateful every day for every single amazing thing in life. I will honor and remember Robbie in ways that are fitting to who he was and make us happy. I will stay focused on making sure we all grieve and heal. Maybe those are the big things...ha of course they are (there’s my epiphany of the day). It began today, our new normal, I thought I knew what that would look and feel like but that was not the case. Chris returned to school (virtually this week) and I returned to work full-time. We were so ready for normalcy and routine but that routine shook me this morning. I did not expect that, I expected to jump into work and bull my way through like I normally would. That was a no, it was slow going with a lot of tears but after a run and a hot shower I feel much more grounded. I had to get out my phone and look at pics because I know they always make me laugh or smile. I watched videos of Rob wrestling and Chris yelling from the sidelines…those are some of my most favorite moments. When big brother clearly stops wrestling, looks up at Chris because he could hear Chris coaching, and then you can see it click and Rob go back at it. I also found a pic of Rob’s butt smashed on the shower door…a couple years ago he was yelling from the bathroom for me and I had no idea what he wanted. “Open the door, ma” so what do I do, open the door to his bare butt. In true Rob fashion he was cracking jokes and hysterical. I often wonder what our normal will look like in one year or five or ten? I suppose we get to make our normal look however we want. My hope is that Robbie remains on the forefront of our memories and that we always include him, but we do not become consumed so much by his loss that we lose sight of what we still have. With time comes healing but that means we also experience distance from our face-to-face encounters and memories. I see so many posts of parents struggling and their association of a new year with a door closing on the year and their child. I don’t feel like a new year really closes the door on anything…I think you get to make that choice. I am choosing, and I think we all are to take Robbie right into 2021 with us and keep him along our journey forever. I do think that each new day puts a day further away from our loss and right now I am torn on how I feel about that. I don’t really want to be distanced from Robbie or my memories of him. Quite frankly, I just would like him to reappear and this all to be a bad dream. I will “settle” for the him that I get to experience every day….the tv changing channels, flickering lights, phones ringing when there are no calls coming in, the 22s absolutely everywhere, those moments that I can hear him as if he were standing next to me talking.