We’ve lived through it, one year, one whole damn year without Robbie. We have experienced almost every first…Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, Loretta’s, basketball games, and so many other things….
There are others that are still to come…high school graduation, his 21st birthday, college, him proposing to Ky, babies but we have survived year 1 – because we are strong, because we know that we just because we can’t see him does not mean that he is not with us, because we lean on one another and we celebrate Robbie every single day in some way. Some moments were far harder than others and in some of those moments I am sure each and every one of us grieving him thought we were going to not be able to take the next step forward.
Grief is such a funny thing….it shows up every day and you never know which face you are going to get. It makes you tired and cranky and breaks your heart but it also makes your relive your most favorite memories and watch those funny ass videos and pics that Robbie left us with. My God, were we ever blessed to have him for 17 years – I’d give anything to have him here, to make us laugh, to need one of the ladies in his life to rub his back or head, to see him and his brother do some ridiculous stupid shit or to just make tacos or eat cheesecake. I would really love to see him throw his leg over his bike and toss it around a track. Some of my absolute most favorite memories and times are watching the boys do the things that they love most in life.
Any time I write I cry, because I am living through all of these emotions over and over again but it so much a part of my own healing. It is really hard to not be ok bc Rob always shows up – one of my people who is a medium told me that Rob would be at our wedding and to look for the bird. Well, the night before we got married Tim and I walked out the long dirt driveway and this bird was right with us and so vocal. I will post the video and pics I took of it earlier in the day. I just can’t deny this stuff…as I wrote the sentence that I always cry when I write…Don’t Cry came on my phone. Of course, I always take pics and send them off to my circle of ppl bc they get me and they believe and find comfort in the signs too. Haha, well apparently Rob is full on tonight – I just clicked to the song 11:11 that was the angel number Rob always saw and immediately following is 100 in a 55 (let’s just say that is also a significant song in the life of Rob & Chris).
The hardest part of this last year has been to watch, love and support Chris and Ky through all of this. I cannot imagine how hard this has really been on them. They were Rob’s closest people and the ones who have endured the most heart ache. They’ve made it too, one year, some really hard days and nights but they are here. They have been strong and resilient in the worst moments, they have leaned on each other and those around them, and managed their grief in a way I am not sure I could have at their age.
Yesterday, we took Ky to the Crystal shop and as we were standing there my sister pointed up to the speaker and Unchained Melody was playing. I had to remind Ky of the movie Ghost and the video clip that I sent her right after we lost Rob…at that point the song played over and over on my Spotify until I was like OMG I get it Rob, and sent it to Ky. We cried but we shared a lot of stories and memories yesterday.
Today we will celebrate Robbie – bc for anyone that knew him sure as hell knows he lived for a good time full of laughs. If you are one of his ppl please try not to be sad today, remember all the funnies that you shared, find those pics and videos and reminisce in all of the good from when he was physically here with us. And if you just need a cry, have it and then do something he would enjoy or you used to do together. If he was doing it, you can be damn sure it was a good time!
…. You had a wild side but you had amazing grace, I know you're way off up in them clouds But if you can still hear me right now I hope you hit those gold streets on two wheels
Comments