It is often said that the pain never goes away but we become stronger. I’ve read about grief and process and stages. I have read personal stories and talked with mental health professionals and I have wondered how I’ve never felt a lot of the things that have come out in all of this. From the very moment that Robbie transitioned to his new world I’ve known that is where he was supposed to be. I am not sure I will ever find the words to explain what I felt in the exact moment it clicked for me that he was no longer physically here. My instant feeling was of pure peace, this feeling lasted a fraction of a second but it was undeniable. I knew Robbie was ok, like really ok, he was safe, happy, and he was ok with it too. This does not change the here and now, we all still experience grief and loss but because of my own beliefs and feelings that seems to be different for me. So quickly, I snapped back to my logical brain and at that point all I really knew was that Rob was gone but Ky was still with us but in need of medical treatment.
Because I always need a plan within minutes phone calls began and we started trying to figure out logistics. My God, that sounds like that night was a business meeting. For me, that’s just how I handled things. Where do we go, what do we do, when can I see Rob, make sure we are keeping in touch with Ky’s family. I really needed her to be ok. There was no way we could have handled losing her or her being severely injured and facing a long, difficult road to recovery. I will never minimize her injuries but I thank God every day that in the scheme of things her injuries were manageable. I don’t think I had ever said to anyone other than Tim that I knew she would be a part of our lives forever until the accident. I have known for a long time she was part of us and her being involved in everything we did was never a second thought. She and Rob were a package deal!
Night one, we waited for the official notification for far too long, we immediately started fielding phone calls, texts, and messages. Ironically we were able to gather more info from the people we or Robbie was connected with than from law enforcement. It was a very somber night for us as we all sat, together, but we just sat. As the messages came in as people heard the news it helped us to get through the night. It was then that I began to realize how many lives Robbie had truly touched. I often say I know how funny he was but I had no idea that he had made so many other people laugh or that he made so many memories that will never be forgotten just because of who he was. Our night turned out to be sleepless as you can imagine – how do you close your eyes after hearing the most awful news you will ever hear in your life.
In those hours I just kept reminding myself of my belief in a life path and that Robbie was genuinely in an amazing place. I had not realized yet that even in such a tragedy there were so many miracles but I would soon start to see all of them as we moved into day 2
To be continued…
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