I stopped writing quite a while ago because honestly I just didn’t have the capacity or energy to keep it up. Grief had exhausted me to a point that I just needed a break from this and most everything else. I was trying to finishing a master’s degree and changing jobs and it was all I had in me to make sure I was able to navigate through all of it. And how could I forget, we were planning a wedding, life was busy and we were focused on positive things in life. Covid was in full swing and we barely got to go to any of Chris’s wrestling matches in person and that was really just frustrating. The world was turned upside down and we were in a frigging tsunami of our own. Fatefully, over the last few weeks I have thought it was time to write again and then a few of my ppl brought it up….so, I will continue my written journey of what life has been like for me since Rob transitioned.
As we moved into the end of 2020 and the start of 2021, Rob should have been playing basketball and I tuned in to what would have been one of his first games and that was really brutal. I should have been able to go and watch him play but instead I was at home watching on tv and crying my eyes out because instead of him being there….there was a huge poster picture of him playing summer ball and a jersey and shoes. It is still beyond me that his friends and teammates were so aware and intent on including him. I think they carried Rob’s stuff with them to every game….they certainly did to every game that I caught. I even saw the boys carrying the big pic out of the school when I picked Chris up from practice one night. Each time I witnessed the team with Rob’s stuff I cried but only for a few minutes – and then, I was grateful, grateful that he had not just been forgotten, grateful that his friends were so thoughtful, grateful that even though he was gone we had been given 17 full of life years with him.
A lot of the time since early 2021 is a blur for me and I would have to think really hard about the detail of events as they took place. I do remember a lot of car trips which I spent most of the time missing Rob and being sad, I remember a bazillion signs from him, I remember messages with my fam and Ky and her mom because we had seen something amazing or something crazy like the lights were flickering and the clocks were stuck on 22. I remember getting a yearbook that Rob’s classmates had sent to us with pages of Robbie pics it in and much like the picture that went to all the basketball games it made me cry but it also made my heart happy. I remember seeing Robbie stickers and hoodies everywhere. There was a day we were a couple hours from here heading back home and I was crying and missing Rob so much and all of a sudden I saw a guy with a Robbie hoodie on. We turned around and went back..I am sure this young man thought I was crazy when we pulled up and I started asking about the hoodie. When we were talking I realized that his bike also was 22. These are the little things that are so helpful for me, that’s where my faith is, in knowing, that Robbie will always show up.
On 9/22, we celebrated Rob’s 18th birthday. We ate cheesecake all week – if you knew Rob, you knew he loved him some cheesecake. I really did think this day was going to be dreadful but it was not as bad as I expected. Like most days, we choose to find the good in our memories and the time we had Rob here with us.
On 11/22, we will live through the one year anniversary of Rob’s accident and I am not sure how we have made it a year ahead. When I think back to that day there are certain things that are etched into my mind…a panicked call from Chris, trying to call Rob and Ky and getting no answer, knowing in my soul that the accident was really bad even before anyone had confirmed there was an accident. I remember trying to all Ky’s mom and my phone giving me nothing but trouble and seconds feeling like minutes until I, finally, was able to dial the number, I remember getting the news, throwing up and standing in the middle of a parking lot where we pulled over. There were a million thoughts running through my head. There are parts of the night that seem like a blur but others that are as clear as if they just happened.
It wasn’t until recently that I did not cry at least once a day, some days I cry more than others, some days I don’t cry at all now. There are moments that I feel like a broken record when ppl ask me how I am ok. I am ok, because of my beliefs, I am ok bc I choose to live through my grief, it’s ironic that there are moments that I feel like I have to defend not being consumed by the loss of Robbie. So here we are, almost a year later and honestly, I am more tired than I was a year ago after just receiving the news, there are days that I prefer not to have any contact with anyone, and I would prefer a blanket and a book. There are days I just like to sleep or take two baths. This is what my grief looks like. I have repeatedly said that your grief is your grief and you get to work it out however you need to as long as it isn’t unhealthy.
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